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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Sheena's LiveJournal:
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| Sunday, October 14th, 2007 | | 2:32 am |
| | Thursday, May 3rd, 2007 | | 6:06 pm |
[from an e-mail I recently wrote] ... ~With other adoptees there's no pretense- & that's definitely something we need. No need to "explain." Do you remember that one night (I think during the first week) you & I were talking in my room.. You started talking about what you'd been thru before coming to Inje & then I started talking about my past, my family.. & then I remember that I started to cry. Not to be corny but it's just that when we meet there was this unspoken bond. I applied to live in this "Intercultural Living Exchange" community here on campus in the fall. Basically people in the program choose a language & they have a mentor native speaker, go on trips, do service learning etc. So.. it would pretty much force me to practice and finally learn Korean. I'm trying to fit Korean into my classes this fall. ~I think I can take the liberty and say that I definitely "know what you mean" about the language barrier.. I feel like so much of the time it's just another way (& often a big way) to be marked as "other" or in between- in between two worlds. There are a lot of Koreans here at school: exchange students, immigrants and second generation. A big part of me wants to reach out and connect with them but the language barrier marks me as other. Right when they find out that I don't speak Korean their ideas/perception of me changes. -Even if it's not negative it's still inevitably a marked difference. I've always felt like not speaking Korean made me "less Korean" or not a "real Korean" .. see how horrible that sounds.. I remember - wrote that when he was with his birth mother in Seoul she told him not to speak so other people wouldn't "know." Others just "expect" us to speak Korean but I've said it time & time again that it wasn't like we grew up around other Koreans. -& speaking Korean wasn't something we needed in daily life and it wasn't something our parents made apart of our lives. I think about it & my relatives have never really talked to me about "being adopted." The whole thing is just so "natural" and sanitized. I'm sure a lot of them think of me as just white. I guess it came up because I was getting ready to go to Inje- one of my cousins thought that my birth mother was only sixteen (she was 23) at the time of my birth. I guess she thought that adoptees were mostly the "results" of teenage mothers. ~Remember when we went to that baby shower.. it was like everyone was so wrapped up in their happiness about this baby- this "gift," this blessing- but we, but I couldn't help think about everything that baby would have to go through growing up.. It's just seems like adopted children are this "fulfillment" & this "redemption." Fulfillment for the "adoptive" parents & redemption for the birth mother/ birth family. Abortion and adoption could never be in the "same room with each other" so to speak. Both abortion and adoption are in some ways a form of not taking responsibility. Abortion is this horrible thing but adoption is a socially justifiable "way out." I don't know- I don't think I'll have or ever take a stance on abortion. Adoption is a way to "clean up." Sometimes I think that I was just a mistake- well I was or at least "unplanned"- & I'm sure a lot of other adoptees feel that way. -Like I was nothing.. like my life in Korea would have been nothing.. all the shame and the pain. ~I think a lot of people don't realize how much our emotions about loss & our adoptions are wrapped up or brought out with the language- the language barrier. *Trying to speak Korean inevitably brings up all the feelings- all that has yet to be reconciled. Growing up- culturally- we've been "half white." I think I'd like my children (did I just say that?!) to be able to speak Korean. I just know it would make it "easier" for them to be "accepted" & I don't want them to go through those feelings of "other." Maybe becoming/being a mother will "help" bring some sort of closure, but I know it will stir up all the feelings from my adoption.. How could she carry me in her those months, have me, possibly hold me & then let me go.. -possibly forever. I know that when I hold my child for the first time the first thing I'll say is- I'll never let you go. Time and time again I try to imagine my birth mother's & birth family's situation. I feel loss, pain and anger but when it's all said and done not at them- at the situation- the brokenness. This gap that has been left and that remains so deep within my heart. ~Our lifes, as adoptees, have never been normal from the start. I think I'm finally realizing that all my life I've been an outsider trying to find normalcy. Both of our birth family searches continue.. I'm really not sure what I think about it anymore- or if I want to keep thinking about it. Sometimes I ask myself how much I really still care.. but of course that's not even a real question.. You're not emotionally unstable. I'm sure that at 20, 26 or no matter what the age we'll always some how be putting the pieces together. The e-mail and picture about you meeting "the lady" just broke my heart.. Sometimes I don't know what I have to hold on to or if I should.. but I do.. ~I wish we could get a real noodle bowl, cheese fries, go for a drink and talk. ... | | Sunday, April 22nd, 2007 | | 6:01 pm |
| | Thursday, April 19th, 2007 | | 11:52 pm |
| | Wednesday, April 18th, 2007 | | 3:28 pm |
| | Thursday, April 12th, 2007 | | 7:51 pm |
just an aside- i'm such an ungrateful little bastard sometimes- geeze | | Wednesday, April 11th, 2007 | | 11:25 pm |
Ah..! Why has it taken me months & months to update this thing?! I've wanted to but there seems to be less and less "quiet time" nowadays. So much has happened. Sometimes I think back to this time last year & to the fall semester @ Towson. I wonder what happened & how I got thru it- it almost seems like it never happened. UMBC sort of feels like home- it definitely feels "permanent." The semester is almost over.. seems like the fall will bring much more of a sense of normalcy. -The past two years have been full of limbo & transition. I guess that type of thing never really stops, but sometimes I wish things were just normal- wish I would have just taken the "traditional" path. Most of the time here has been "productive & happy," but college is just college- I don't really like it. I like learning for learning's sake but college is such a system. I feel like if I don't spend at least four years getting a degree then I won't have much of a future. Where did all my dreams go? I still feel too young & responsible for my family to be able to go back to Korea on my own for awhile. It's hard to not loose who I am in all of this. -Speaking of Korea: I guess I don't think about it as much recently. I mean with all thats been going on the past few months I haven't let myself "go there." -& maybe that's why its taken so long to get back to this. I haven't written just to write in such a long time.. I've just been trying to put my feelings aside and do what needs to be done. I try not to get discouraged & loose my way. Maybe sometimes I wish I had "faith" in something but I only have myself to see me thru. Life is so blessed & I have so much love in my life but sometimes I feel incredibly alone. -Back to Korea: the social worker dealing with my "case" in Korea went back to work this week after her maternity leave. Maybe I'll hear something by the end of the year. I just don't think & wish & wonder about it as much. I'm not so sure how I feel about it now either. Nowadays I can't even imagine trying to sort out all the emotions that would come with it. I don't even know if I "need" to meet them face-to-face anymore. -To think of that is a dream- to see her freckled face. It is so true though - they are "the missing "link to my past, present & future." Now that I'm "older" I try to put myself in her/their position. I'm not sure that I can begin to imagine how she/they will/might feel upon receiving my letter/family pictures. What will she/they think if they know I'm "looking for them?" Maybe my worst "fear" is that the letter will only bring back painful memories for her/them. What if it's something they never wanted to re-live? See.. there are so many questions. -People ask me why I'm searching & I guess when it really comes down to it.. I just want her (Kim, Duk Im) to know that her decision wasn't in vain. I want her to know that I'm ok- so much better than ok- & so that she can move on- so we can both move on. -I can't fathom trying to wrap my head around "the fate" of all of this but to have some resolution.. I wonder how many times we have thought of each other over these nearly twenty years... How many tears have been held back. How much I feel them in my heart everyday. This is the first year that I've felt "apprehensive" about turning another year. 20- maybe it just seems like a bigger deal. When will I "grow up" & take care of myself? I feel like I want to & that at 20 I should be able to, but I can't.. I don't want to be too dependent or needy. I don't want anyone to feel like their a crutch for me. I just don't know when people will take my seriously (maybe if I were taller, hehe). I don't know when I'll stop feeling "too young." -I just feel like now is the time to "make decisions"- that of which I haven't been very good- & get serious about taking control of my life. Those self-help things always say, "surrender control surrender your life." I do "believe" in fate more nowadays but I think (pretty much) everything can be brought back to a choice. Everything that happens does because one has made a choice. That's why I hate it when people blame their "problems" on other people. -Like my dad- he's not "happy" & I wish he was, but sometimes I just want to tell him that he's the one who chose "all of this." -Back to the 20 thing. I just feel like I'm going to be 20 & I have nothing to show for it. Is that dumb? I guess some people feel like that all the time- that's sad.. I just feel like- wow 20 years has gone by & I haven't done anything. Worst of it is that it's all my fault- back to choice. Sometimes I make the excuse that my parents didn't push me hard enough but that's lame. I don't know & that's all I know. ~It just seems like a lot of the "decisions" over the next few years are going to determine a lot of "the future." A big one being getting married, moving around etc. Yes, there is somewho who(m?) I will always love. Sometimes I wonder if he'll always love me- love me for me. It would be my worst fear that later down the road he regrets it & wishes things could have been different. I don't want him to wish I was someone else.. or just settle for me. -I've learned so much & I never thought I could open myself up like I have. When I was younger I thought that I always wanted to be independent & travel around my whole life. Just now different things are important to me. It just seems like it won't be long before my life changes in big ways. Where does time go? It just seems like there's never enough time. -But then again it's hard to be "ready" & you just roll with it.. - & see maybe this is why I don't write much anymore- I just go off into tangents.. | | Thursday, December 7th, 2006 | | 11:31 pm |
"You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be... ...And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men..." -Death Cab For Cutie | | Saturday, December 2nd, 2006 | | 7:45 pm |
{As of mid-Nov.} "Dear Sheena, Hello! My name is Kim, Hee-jung, a social worker in charge of post adoption services at E.S.W.S. I have received your letter and your request of birth search from A.S.I.A. I have been searching for your birth mother, but I have yet to find out the birth mother. I am still in process of the search..." - The sense of urgency about the search drifts to the back of my mind nowadays. -But- I wait everyday- even if it takes years I'll still wait everyday. Even to hope for a response & even more a reunion is a dream. I wonder what their doing right this second. I wonder if my biological brother is serving his two years in the Korean army. I wonder if I have half-siblings. I wonder if maybe my birth parents ended up marrying each other- despite protest from Duk Im's- my birth mother's parents. If they had another child after me- another daughter- that would be amazing. It's so easy to let imagination take hold of me. I think a common question for adoptees who search is: If you ever met your birth mother &/or birth family- what is the first thing you'd say or ask? Moreover, such a question is confounding. It's not uncommon for a child given up for adoption to be "relinquished" seconds after the birth. Therefore, the birth mother never once looks at her child- either forced or by choice. ~I think the first thing I'd ask: Is this the first time our eyes have met? Is this the first time we've looked into each other's eyes and seen our own? | | Tuesday, October 17th, 2006 | | 10:22 pm |
09.12.06 To my dear birth family, I have come to this blank page over and over not knowing how I could ever put my deepest emotions into words. Let alone words that must be translated into a language I do not speak. People have told me to make this letter as simple as possible for the sake of easy translation. That is asking me to numb something that is so close to my heart. Knowing that you might read this, it is impossible to write a letter void of all the emotions stemming from the adoption. We don’t even speak the same language but time and circumstance seem to be the biggest barriers. Time and time again I’ve tried to imagine your face but I’m sure it’s nothing like the blurry picture I imagine. I thought about you all more often during my birthday in July. I wonder if you think about the daughter you gave up now nineteen years ago. Did you really give me up because you were unmarried, had a son and could not afford to raise me? I want to know what has changed for you over the past nearly two decades. Sometimes I feel as though I might suffocate under the weight of all the unanswered questions- the mystery of it all- the life I was born into. I know I must at least try and search for myself, you and all the adoptees who will never know enough to search. However, I have learned that some things run deeper than blood. I just want to know that you exist somewhere other than in my heart. My search for you starts now but there’s not a day that I don’t search for you in my heart. –I wonder if the same is true for you. I want you to know that I think my adoption was/is my destiny. It is so difficult to try and imagine my life differently. I could not have become the person I am today without the unconditional support and love of my parents and family. I have been blessed with so much. ... | | Saturday, September 30th, 2006 | | 6:53 pm |
| | Tuesday, September 19th, 2006 | | 1:35 pm |
"Dear Sheena, I received your letter and pictures for your birthfamily. I was so impressed at how well it was written. I will translate it and mail it to ESWS. I will take this as your request to initiate search. I will keep you informed with any update from Korea." -heres to Korea '07 | | Tuesday, June 20th, 2006 | | 3:47 pm |
"Dear Sheena, Thank you for contacting us. Our Post Adoption staff will be on travel in Korea for the next two weeks and I will follow up with you after we arrive there to see if we can initiate something at that time." --> Here we go... -- Korea: 1 ~ France: 1 World Cup '06! DAE HAN MIN GUK! Be The REDS! Next game = vs. Switzerland | | Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006 | | 6:24 pm |
*The young woman who wrote this was adopted through the same agency as me. "My Birthmother And The Immortal Hope - Kate Tully Dear Birthmother, I have been told time and time again to begin this letter to you, and yet every time I have hesitated, put it off, told myself I could do it later. I’m not even sure why. Maybe because this is the last step to complete the search process. After this, there’s no turning back, and I am responsible for everything that happens to me, good or bad—and that is a huge responsibility. I’ve told myself for years that I had to know why I was given up before I can feel like a complete person, before I can fully move on with my life. You have had the largest impact on my life thus far. You gave me the ultimate gift: Life. I know now that I can never repay you for that; likewise I can never express into fathomable words how much you mean to me. I shudder to imagine the pain I might feel if you’re not even there, to realize that this letter is directed at a random person, a face in the crowd. You’ll probably never even receive this letter, and that to write this is to have false hopes and to live in a fantasy world. How many times have I placed my needs on an impossibly high shelf, with the hopes and dreams disappearing with each half hearted leap to retrieve what is rightfully mine? How can I do this all over again? But I must. I don’t have a choice in the matter. So I guess this is where my story begins, ironically right after yours ends. It’s almost as if we never knew one another, but for nine months we were of the same body, the same person. We are this paradox, something that may never be unraveled. But if we did come undone, would we be able to mend the damage that has already been done? Time and circumstance have taken their toll and now we live separate lives, worlds apart. To imagine life any different is virtually impossible, but I try over and over again to mold you back into someone whole and complete—someone who I can remember, someone I can love. I try to contrive your face, make you become a living being, someone who is always with me. But the harder I try, the harder it becomes for me to see anything. Suddenly you are just a dark splotch on a blank canvas. Frustrated to tears, I relent and cry myself to sleep, this short-lived dream of seeing your beautiful face drifting into oblivion. Time and time again I try, until I realize that it can never happen. How can I hold someone so dearly in my heart that I don’t even remember? But I do. I love you so much and I can’t explain why. I am eternally grateful to you although I have never met you. Is this possible? I need to know you, and the thought of never finding you literally kills me from the inside out. I feel desperate, gasping for air. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without knowing you, even though I have lived for the last sixteen years without you in my life. So, I guess I am just living out one contradiction after another, each one tearing apart my world and my heart. If our lives were ever to intersect, I’m not even sure what I’d want to say or do. Maybe just to see your face, let me know that I’m not alone in this world and that you feel the same way I do for you. Just once. I wouldn’t need anything else from you ever again. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t hide my desperation. I need to know you so badly and I can’t be polite and quaint about it. My heart aches for you. I want you to know that I do have a wonderful life with wonderful parents. My adoptive parents are my true parents and will forever be. I love them dearly, and often feel horribly guilty that they cannot help fill the void that you have left in my soul. But just to see you, even for one second, may bring some closure to my life. Please help me find peace. I will always have a place for you in my heart. I love you omoni (mother). I always will. -Your Daughter December 1999 * * * * I wrote those words over four years ago and its funny—a gut wrenching, nauseating kick you in the stomach sort of funny—how things have not changed. I am now twenty years of age and I still dream at night about a mother in Korea I can only remember in my subconscious, a woman who lingers in my heart and in my mind at all times, whether I willingly acknowledge her presence or not. I still find myself obsessing over the circumstances of my birth and abandonment, trying to piece together the missing parts of my early childhood, trying to find a way to fill the looming void of those first four months…the mysterious time when I was still my birthmother’s child. I still find myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, watching the tears streaming down my cheeks and thinking, ‘What of her do I see?’ All of the pain, the heartache, the feelings of loneliness and despair...all of this still exists, but in a subdued and hidden part of my heart. It’s a coping mechanism of the worst kind: An attempt to forget the never ending unanswered questions, a silent and desperate plea to continue living life—the life I was given, not the life I was born into. But try as one might, how can someone forget something and someone so close to the heart? * * * * When I first began the search for my birthmother in 1999, I knew nothing would be guaranteed—especially because I was only sixteen and not able to actively pursue the search in Korea myself. I was what the orphanage labeled a foundling: A four month old baby abandoned on the doorsteps of the Eastern Child Welfare orphanage, Wonju Branch wrapped in a purple quilt, which had my birth date pinned on it: 11/27/1983 at 1:15 am. A large manila envelope was also found next to me, with fresh diapers and formula inside. Judging by the circumstances of my abandonment, it was concluded by the social workers that my birthmother was probably a mature woman, in her late 20’s or 30’s to leave me in such a caring manner. That fact alone filled me with hope: Surely a woman who leaves her baby in such a way would be more than willing to reclaim her years later. And then I saw my age at the time of abandonment: Four months old. For four precious months I was truly her child, I was by her side. What could have possibly happened to change all of that? Many adopted Koreans are relinquished as newborn infants, the birthmother’s decision made before the child is even born. One single thought kept repeating in my head: “But she kept me! She kept me for four months!” Remaining objective and mature was the one promise I had made to myself when beginning the search process. I told myself I was not going to be sucked into the fantasy world of adoption reunions, the typical Montel Williams sob fest where the birthmother is in hysterics, running out onto the stage and finally holding her daughter whom she had not seen for over twenty years. The talk show audience gives a standing ovation, but the mother and daughter are too busy hugging and kissing one another to notice. All they see is each other, the missing link to their past, present, and future—something that can never be denied. I knew better than to expect something as monumental as this. But there is something overpowering about the human spirit, something ridiculously illogical and unrealistic when it comes to the matters of the heart. I was obviously smart enough to not expect my birthmother to be knocking down my door after the search was conducted, but an extremely young and naïve part of me never let go of that reunion picture: Deep in my heart I always kept an imaginary picture of my birthmother and I embracing, both weeping with uncontrollable joy and sorrow—the kind where the heart is nearly bursting with emotion, both murmuring words of comfort and apologies. “Mianhaeyo (I’m sorry)…” she whispers in my ear. “Kwenchana (It’s okay)…” I reply. And all feelings of hopelessness and despair are washed away, instantly. My birthmother is found…and immediately the void in my soul closes up, and I am filled with a feeling of contentment beyond anything I could ever imagine. So what? Being realistic and objective was not my strong suit. But in all honesty, who could blame a young girl for wishing to experience an unrealized dream? * * * * As I look back, I realize how amazing the search process is, in itself: It is a sheer coincidence; a mere twist of fate which could suddenly bring two lives colliding together, two lives that were meant to be kept forever apart. A search is so much more than just an inquiry made by the adopted child about his or her roots…it encompasses the guilt, the pain, the doubts, and the heartache which surrounds the circumstances of the adoption. And the decision to begin a birthparent search affects more than just the adoptee. How can an adoptive parent come to terms with the depths of the adopted child’s pain? Is there truly a way to rectify the confusion and turmoil stemming from the adoption itself? There are so many complex emotions experienced by both parent and child when beginning a birthparent search. But none of these emotions can readily prepare either for the results of the search. * * * * As I sat in the stiff chair at Children’s Home Society, I stared at the tiny black and white photo of myself as an infant followed by rows and rows of Korean characters describing the circumstances of my abandonment in the local Korean newspaper. I remember being just awestruck…I’m like one of those missing kids on the milk carton. And in hindsight I realize, just like those helpless kids on the milk carton I too was placed in a nondescript ad, just another faceless child without a name or a history, soon to be discarded in the nearby wastebasket, just like an empty carton of milk. My “missing persons” ad was right next to the local supermarket coupons and local movie theater times for crying out loud! But at the time, I thought of nothing but hope. Hope that my birthmother would read the newspaper on this very day and realize her daughter was searching for her. Hope that she would drop everything and call Eastern Child Welfare Society and ask for information on her baby daughter she abandoned years earlier. Hope that I would see her again. Oh God, there was so much hope…and so much pain and disillusionment. After running the ad for two months and in two different newspapers, there was no response. So we waited. And waited. But no one had called the orphanage to inquire any information on the “missing person,” no one had stopped by to casually ask about the child’s whereabouts or wellbeing. There was nothing—Nothing at all. And the pain I felt? I honestly can’t put it into words. I can only say it was as if all the hopes and dreams I held for myself and my birthmother were shattered and destroyed in one fatal swoop, one crushing blow to the heart. I just kept repeating to myself, ‘This can’t be true! This can’t be right…she’s there! She’s out there—I know it! I just…God, why doesn’t she want me to find her?!” Just thinking about all of this again brings me to tears…why did I let myself believe in something as fleeting and deceitful as hope? But at the same time…how could I not believe? Who can honestly will themselves not to believe in anything at all? Am I completely naïve for still holding this immortal hope of seeing my birthmother again, even after twenty years of being apart? The answer is simply no. Keeping this immortal hope alive in my soul is as innate and intrinsic to my own self worth and existence as the act of breathing: It is the core necessity for my life to continue on. People on the outside can keep telling me to move on: Simply accept this as my destiny, the way things are supposed to be. But why can’t they understand that their words are being wasted on deaf ears? Who has the power to dictate my own fate? Who has the authority to define the way I should feel, how I should live my life? No one except me. You see, there is no need for the justification of my dreams. There is only the need for hope: An undying, immortal hope which I will carry with me for my entire life." | | Wednesday, April 19th, 2006 | | 5:34 pm |
"note to people: stop being sad/grouchy and get happy!! theres no point in bellyaching your life away." --> nice one Lauren ;) | | Wednesday, April 12th, 2006 | | 7:35 pm |
it takes a lifetime to truly know someone | | Tuesday, April 4th, 2006 | | 11:42 pm |
yes- this is a very overdue entry... - The question always remains: where do I start? People have asked why I keep this "online journal" and it's primarily to keep up with my best friend and/or anyone who happens to stumble across this --> but frankly I just like taking up space on the internet- hehe. Plus sometimes writing just flows better through typing instead of actual writing. Here it is April of 2006. I'll start by saying that most of February and March was considerably better than how January went down. Things have been going pretty well lately. I'm trying to figure out what I'll be up to this summer. Some days I get really antsy and just want to pick up and go somewhere. Other days I'm totally content with the pace of life right now. -So.. Towson is official but in a lot of ways it hasn't hit me that I'll actually be back in the "academic scene" in just a few months. When I was reading the "literature" that came along with the acceptance letter I got the sick feeling in my stomach. It was probably just nerves that it's coming to fruition but--> I also had to wonder in the back of my mind whether "going to college in the fall" just "sounded good." I don't know about that one but I'll make it work.. Korea is just a memory now. I love the disclaimer on the IIIHR website: "IIIHR is not responsible for any psychological damage." Upon leaving "the mothership" I wrote that it'll probably take a couple of years for the significance of the whole experience to sink in.. well it's definitely starting to sink in. I really didn't do much "dealing with my adoption" while in Korea because for one I really didn't think I needed to much more while I was there. I went into the time there not wanting it to be about emotional struggles about the adoption and it really wasn't. When I struggled while in Korea it was mostly toward the end & thinking about trying to transition back to life in the states. -I didn't want to leave Korea in a lot of ways --> Sometimes I asked myself, what do you really have to go back to? Turns out that I had more to go back to than I thought.. -To be honest I've thought about the adoption more since I've been back- within the past month and a half- than I have in the past three years or so. There have been two distinct periods where I came to "new perspectives" about it and after the second I didn't think I had much more to reconcile with it all. I do think that it never really ends. I guess for whatever reason its just been weighing on my mind in a more intense way lately. Theres never been a day in my life where I haven't thought about it in at least the most minute way. Lately its just stuck out more and more for whatever reason. I realize that that's the one thing that has influenced why I am who I am the most. I finally feel like both myself and my adoption have a voice but there are so many questions that I'll- and all other adoptees- will never have the answer to. Shame is the one "label" that I've been able to give it for quite some time. I'm still dealing with that deep, deep sense of shame. I'll probably never know if my biological mother and father were ashamed of me. -To some I am a living sin because I was born out of "wedlock." Most adoptees are usually told that their biological mother and/or father gave them up for adoption "out of love, because they couldn't afford to raise you and so that you could have a better life." A lot of "adoptive parents" just leave the explanation at that. Maybe some of us adoptees choice to believe or accept that to some degree but most of us will probably never know. I'll probably never know whether they actually loved me or if they were just so ashamed of me. I'll probably never know whether my biological parents really and genuinely loved each other. -What is this whole "L-O-V-E thing" anyway? At least for me personally- being adopted has forced me to really try and examine the "true nature" of love. I do think that there is a certain unexplainable acuteness about love that only adoptees can understand.- I'll probably never know if my biological brother knew/knows about me. There's a really good chance that my biological parents married other people and had another family. --> Hence I'd have half brothers and/or sisters but yet again I'll probably never know that either. Those are deep scars that I'll always have. Deep scars that only fellow adoptees can understand- but even so every adoptee faces it in his or her own way- if at all/ever. -Fellow adoptees have spoken about the sense of loss they've felt/feel and I think I'm just beginning to come to grips with my sense of loss. To really know loss- is the one thing that I think makes us truly human. Growing up I don't think I "looked in the mirror and asked who was staring back" but in some ways in the back of my mind I probably always have. I think that the next time I go back to Korea that I'll search for my bio. family. There actually is a fairly good chance that I could find them because I have a lot of information. Maybe even more than meeting my biological mother and father I'd like to meet my biological brother. I know my bio. parent's names but not his- he's about 21 now. I don't even know if their all still living. If I could just see them for a few mins. or even a picture. I sincerely don't wonder all of this because I think "figuring it all out would solve anything"- I just really wonder about the reason why I exist. Every adoptee has the right to feel however he or she feels about the adoption--> I don't know how my brother really feels about his adoption. Right now he doesn't have a desire to go back to Korea and that's fine. He'll eventually go back and he says it'll be after he has a family. I just think it's "wrong" in a sense to deny the very reason why he exists. Like a fellow adoptee wrote, "I was told that you must know Korea before you can reject it." Don't deny the very reason you exist- at least consider it. Sometimes I wonder if my biological mother, father, brother think about me at all. Have the same questions ran through their minds time and time again? Do they wonder whether I've thought of them? Are they heathly? Are they happy? I've just been wondering about all of that again lately. -In a lot of ways I thought I'd already "dealt" or was "over" these questions. I just wonder.. Before and while I was in Korea I said that "finding and meeting them isn't something I need to be 'complete,'" but maybe in some unexplainable way it is. I'll search the next time I go back to Korea, but in a lot of ways I've been searching all my life.. -I don't wonder about all these things because I think it should be easier. -Or that "figuring things out" would make it any easier. Nothing about adoption is "easy" and it shouldn't be expected to be that way. It's just a lot to consider... My adoption really made me consider just how sacred having a child with someone is. That's probably the most sacred thing there is --> nothing could really link you to another person more so than having a child with him or her. Sometimes I wonder how it would be if I meet my biological family when I was "older" aka when --> but more so if I ever got married and had a child. Wow. It would be like- ok, I'm the life you created and here's the life I've made. That's some REALLY heavy stuff.. - I do think that the time in the mothership and the past few months since I've been back have allowed me to do some more "growing up." There is so, so, so much "good" in life- in my life. There is a lot more that I want to write but I'll add it later. - It really is a powerful thing when someone tells you they like you the way that you are. ~He's one of the best things to ever happen to me. I really do think that you're just MEANT to ~connect~ with certain people. I'm beginning to realize just how necessary it is to truly nuture one's relationship- regardless of what level or with whom. - I think about "it all" & most of the time I just have to smile, shake my head & laugh. I never thought all my roads would lead me here.. I have so much to learn...! - These are worth posting again: "He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction." -B. Stanley This is just as relevant as ever.. "Do you, brother, do you remember? Were you there? Her sarcastic thanks, was it the life she hoped for? His strength, what he left behind. Do you remember the stormy night? I was so young. You never had to cover your ears the deafening silence. Were you there when she saw that more was missing than her bags? Do you ever wonder, brother of mine? Were you ever a whitewash of yourself? Brother, where do we start? Do you remember, brother of mine?" - -This was written on 12.26.04 @ 10:48 p.m. "She's not the same-Much a woman in the same vein- Holds on for something that is special- Follow your heart he says- One day it'll be gone- Picture perfect memory- You're a mystery to me- Come down south- It'll be ok- She sits and thinks- Dreams and wonders- Will tomorrow ever- Fill its todays- She waits for her life to begin- She doesn't see the lies strone across the lines- Years fly by- She rolls on- Still waiting for a bloom- ...- He doesn't threaten her sanity- She hasn't moved on- Away not on- She walks a thin line between herself and who she's becoming- A world without dreams becomes a flood without water- She won't look back- No she won't look back- On yesterdays filled with things she forgot- The subtleties that made each day pass by- Nights filled sorrow- The difference is- She hasn't moved on from selves shes risen from- Too late never comes- On words fallen like worlds never formed- She's a soul- Both marked and unmarked by her years- Still she stands- ..- One cheek to her other- She returns to where she has not left-She falls- She leaves- Her eternity" - ..there's so much more to me then meets the eye.. "...everybody is just a stranger but that's the danger in going my own way..." | | Tuesday, March 21st, 2006 | | 9:30 pm |
| | Monday, March 20th, 2006 | | 7:51 pm |
Advanced Global Personality Test Results | Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.comStability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. trait snapshot: does not make friends easily, secretive, introverted, reclusive, observer, dislikes leadership, somewhat socially awkward, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, values solitude, solitary, avoidant, ambivalent about fitting in, not dominant, unassertive, suspicious, prudent, unadventurous, worrying, weird, intellectual, frequently second guesses self -- i'm "self-absorbed" --> does things primarily for the benefit of themself, puts their feelings first (yes), can't do anything when they don't feel good, swayed by their emotions (yes), more concerned with themself than others, prefers personal glory over team victories, pleasure seeker, uses their looks to get what they want, gets angry when they don't get what they want, dramatizes their suffering, wealth seeking, superficial, manipulative, narcissistic & "hyper-sensitive" --> tends to get too emotional (yes), can't take it easy, feels gloomy and distraught frequently, more past than future, more feeling than doing (yes..), not confident in their opinions or abilities (sometimes), dislikes themself, prone to paranoia, affected by the moods of others, broody, envious, ideal love seeking, expressive (haha), dramatic, tempermental, impressionable, swayed by emotions (i guess so), fears loss and separation, poor self image, gets very attached to people and things (i suppose..), hopeless romantic, focuses on suffering, desires security and support, defensive (i can get a bit defensive at times- i guess), suffers from loneliness, feels invisible, fears rejection in relationships, can't control romantic feelings and thoughts, existentially depressed, suffers from depression, prone to shame, prone to panic attacks, feelings guide most of their behavior, can't handle people being mad at them, dreams about a rescuer, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness (am i guilty here?), familiar with the role of victim, worries they will make the wrong choices (sometimes), conflicts between thoughts and feelings (yes), desires more attention ..great... must change this.. | | Monday, March 6th, 2006 | | 7:51 pm |
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mellowyellohkim's journal
